Birthday Woes
by disillusioned sadist
Summary: Wherein Bakura soon learns that no birthday of his could ever be sane... Bakura POV
1. Let the insanity begin!

AN: _So I got tired of writing all angst, all the time…and came up with this monstrosity… Hopefully none of you will commit suicide from the sheer horror of it all, but be warned, it is the product of boredom and caffeine. Oh yeah, me no own. Me poor. No sue me._

_That being said…LET IT BEGIN!_

Bakura POV:

"Kura-kun!" An overly joyous (high-pitched) voice singsonged to me, cutting through the barriers of pillows and blankets like the proverbial hot knife through butter to reach my sensitive ears. I groaned, turned over and pulled the blankets even farther over my head, hoping against hope that the voice would leave. If I tried hard enough, I'm sure the annoying disembodied voice would disappear.

"Bakura-kun, that just won't do!" No such luck. The blankets and pillows were ripped away from me in a flash. "You need to rise and shine!" Hikari-mine's face obscured my entire (blurry) view. That was it. I was going to smite him. Smite him good.

"What the fuck do you want?" I growled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes angrily. The King of Thieves was no morning person and would kill whoever decided to wake said King up. Hikari-mine was _very_ close to becoming my first victim of the day.

"I made you breakfast in bed! Happy Birthday, Kura-kun!" he jumped back, thrusting a tray into my face. The delicious scent of freshly baked pastry and (more importantly) freshly brewed coffee wafted into my nostrils. I almost smiled in anticipation…Wait. Birthday!

"I don't have a birthday!" I sat up, protesting.

"Ano…I decided that the day I got the Ring was your birthday…so Happy Birthday!" Now he was giving me the Look. You know, the one where he looks like a lost puppy and wants to be taken in, fed, and otherwise pampered? Yeah, that one. But it shall never work on me, for I am the dreaded Tomb Robber Bakura!

"I don't want your food!" I crossed my arms, trying to look intimidating. And I must say, I was doing a very good job of it too!

"Please?" Crap. The Look was back with a vengeance. Fuck.

"Fine! I'll eat it," I grabbed the tray and started shoving the food into my mouth. I paused for a second, realizing that the food was unbelievably good. Whoda thunk that Hikari-mine could cook. But I would never admit that to him. Ra knows how much shit I'd go through if it looked like I was softening up. I gotta maintain my badass image somehow. Do you realize how hard it is to look tough? You gotta be careful of what you say, do and even think! Let alone dress! It should be a career! Or at least a college course!

As soon as I started contemplating taking my wonderful idea up with the local university, I was knocked out of my musings by a shock of white hair in my mouth. It seems as if Hikari-mine got the idea that jumping and glomping me would put me in a good mood. So I did what anyone in their right mind would do.

"Off." I shoved him off the side of the bed, feeling rather satisfied at the nice thunk that followed the squeak which issued from Hikari-mine's mouth as he fell. I laughed evilly in my head. I was about to laugh evilly out loud (to match my mental laugh, of course), but Hikari-mine has a strange obsession with jumping up in my face, thus scaring the crap out of me and efficiently destroying any train of thought.

"You liked it!" Y'know, I didn't think it was possible for his voice to go any higher without kicking him in the balls, but it looks like I was wrong. And now he was bouncing up and down in anticipation.

"It didn't kill me, that's for sure," I grumbled. Ra knows that would have been a blessing.

Hikari-mine looked a little put out, but quickly regrouped and fired the next round of ammunition in the battle of Bakura's Birthday. "Let's go do something! Or better yet! A party!"

I opened my mouth to protest, but he was already out the door (tray in hand), singsonging to himself about how wonderful it would be to get the entire group over to celebrate the old geezer turning another year older. I could feel a vein pulsing in my head. I was really going to smite him.

Just as I was coming up with wonderfully wicked ways to torture Hikari-mine, a single thought flitted through my head. Pharaoh. The fucking Pharaoh was going to be invited. Fuck. No.


	2. And the guests arrive

_AN: Well, I'm back. And yesterday was my mommy's cake day, so I figure I might as well update this story (birthday in family…birthday in story…clever, right? Or not…). _

_Uh…Standard disclaimer apply here! Although if I owned this show, there would be more Bakura and more Malik. Much more._

_--_

_Last chapter:_

_Just as I was coming up with wonderfully wicked ways to torture Hikari-mine, a single thought flitted through my head. Pharaoh. The fucking Pharaoh was going to be invited. Fuck. No. _

_--_

I ran out my door (missing running into it by a whole centimeter) and downstairs to the kitchen where the phone was.

As I skidded around the corner, I found myself cursing having a separate body…again. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to try to stop someone by simply thinking at them. And I was so used to being able to do that, what with sharing the same body and all but no, Yugi had to go and wish for separate bodies for the fucking Pharaoh. And that stupid _thing_ thought it would be really funny to fuck with my life and granted me the same wonderful act of kindness.

Anyway, I was running around the house in boxers trying to find that stupid Hikari of mine when the doorbell rang. I growled low in my throat, stalked toward the door before proceeding to rip it open so fast that it almost came off its hinges.

"What the fuck do you want, Marik?" I snarled at the poor, bewildered Egyptian. Now, if I had been in a better mood, I'm sure I would have been on the ground laughing hysterically due to the face he was making. But seeing as how I was less than pleased with the knowledge that the Ra-damned Pharaoh was going to be over here, mocking me on my birthday which really wasn't my birthday, I settled for glaring at Marik.

"One more piece of clothing, Thief, and you'll be in your birthday suit," a smug voiced floated over the still-dazed teen before an insanely spiked head popped up.

"Malik," I sneered at him, "what a surprise to see you here with your Hikari."

"At least I'm not running around in my boxers," Malik smirked. I opened my mouth to retort when I was shoved aside by Hikari-mine.

"Marik-kun!" Hikari-mine was bursting with so much joy it was sickening.

"Ryou-kun!" Marik moved forward to embrace Ryou who then led Marik into the house, leaving me with Malik. In my boxers.

Malik's grin grew even wider as he was the realization of the implications of standing in a wide-open door in boxers flit across my face. "Shiny green dollar signs?" he smirked, obviously getting great pleasure in my discomfort.

I looked down, mortified. I was wearing my black boxers with said dollar signs with my pale thighs peaking out from the dark fabric. I spun around and walked away, giving Malik the one-fingered salute. His mocking laughter followed my as I walked back to my room.

Knives. I needed my knives. My beautiful, sharp, pointy objects that were just a hop, skip and a jump away. I walked (yes, walked. The King of Thieves does NOT skip. Ever.) over to my knife collection shoved under my bed. After pulling it out, I started throwing said knives at my conveniently-placed targets in my room, all with a maniacal grin plastered on my face.

The door suddenly decided to bang open, efficiently scaring the shit out of me. And what does the Great and All-Powerful Me do when surprised?

Hikari-mine was standing as still as he possibly could with one of my sharper knives about a millimeter away from his face. A few snowy white strands fell to the ground, but it seemed as if he didn't notice. Hmm. I think I killed him with shock. I smirked to myself. I just totally smote him. Inside, I was jumping up and down like a fucking cheerleader, pom-poms included. Outside, I calmly sauntered over to my wide-eyed, blood-drained, just-had-a-sharp-object-thrown-at-my-head-so-I'm-fucking-terrified Hikari-mine and poked him in the forehead.

"Oi!" He didn't answer. "Hikari-mine!" Still no answer. "Fucking-A, Ryou, I didn't hit you! I've done worse!" Ah hah! A blink!

I crossed my arms, wanting to desperately pull my knife from the door frame, but it looked like he was about to say something so I waited patiently. Not to mention it was really funny to see Hikari-mine stand there, mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out. He almost looked like Jou after a verbal beat down, courtesy of Kaiba.

"What is it?" I growled…again.

That seemed to snap him out of it! He smiled that strange smile of his and, ever so cheerfully, proclaimed, "Yugi and the gang are here! They arrived shortly after Marik-kun!" His smile faded a little as he pouted in thought. "Mou, what's Malik-san talking about with you and boxers and birthday suits? Yami-Yugi seems to think it's pretty funny and he keeps asking for more stories about you." He brightened up a bit. "Do you think he wants to become friends with you!"

I was standing there in a silent rage. That no-good SOB was telling fucking embarrassing stories. Fuck that.

I whirled back into my room, threw on a pair of jeans and stormed out of my room, slamming the door behind me, missing Hikari-mine of course. I was going to kill Malik. And then kill the Pharaoh. And enjoy it immensely. Hell, it's my "birthday." I might as well get my fucking wish.

I stormed into the living room, stopping in the doorway and pounded my fist on the frame, shaking the room a bit.

"MALIK! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!"


	3. Ryou appologizes! Sorta!

_AN: So I finally got around to updating it! Woot! Hope you enjoy!_

_Standard Disclaimer applies_

Still Bakura POV:

_Last Chapter..._

_I whirled back into my room, threw on a pair of jeans and stormed out of my room, slamming the door behind me, missing Hikari-mine of course. I was going to kill Malik. And then kill the Pharaoh. And enjoy it immensely. Hell, it's my "birthday." I might as well get my fucking wish._

_I stormed into the living room, stopping in the doorway and pounded my fist on the frame, shaking the room a bit._

_"MALIK! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!"_

Everybody in that room jumped about a foot when I did that. Including that spiky-haired fool whose name I had just yelled _very_ loudly.

Malik turned his head in order to get a better look at me. "Yes, Kura-kun?" There was a slightly-more-than-very-evil smirk on his face.

I walked over to him and picked him up by the collar of his shirt. "You. Are. So. Fucking. Dead."

Unfortunately for me, that only served to feed his grin (how the hell does it grow that much? It's like it takes up his whole f-ing face!). "Come now, Kura-kun. Let's see a little demonstration," Malik practically purred with sarcasm.

"Yes, Thief. Let's see what you can do," a deeper voice sounded behind me. I dropped Malik and whirled around only to come face to face with the Pharaoh.

Now I most certainly did not want to do a little strip show for our favorite Pharaoh. That would be beyond humiliating. Besides, the only one allowed to even consider being able to see me dance around the kitchen while cooking and singing to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred would be Hikari-mine. Not that I've ever done that. It was a hypothetical situation. Really.

As I was saying, there was no way in hell I was going to respond to that stupid Pharaoh. So I did what anyone in their right mind would do…I ran from the living room with tears welling up in my eyes. I got to my room, slammed the door shut and collapsed on my bed. Not even my knives would make me feel better. Besides, the Pharaoh and Malik only did what they did because they know I look totally hot in boxers and no ladies can resist me.

…Fuck. Why didn't I just say that to them instead of storming out of there like a freaking PMS queen? Damn it.

So I'm lying there sulking (it's my birthday, damn it! Isn't it supposed to be a good day!) when I heard a timid knock on the door. I all but growled a nice "WHAT!" at the door. Surprisingly the person on the other side did not squeak as what would normally happen. They must be used to my wrath. Hmm…Hikari-mine.

"Bakura-sama, could you please let me in?" Yup, it was Hikari-mine. I'm just that good. And he was using "-sama." He must want something desperately.

"Why! So you can ogle at my sexiness and then deny it just like everyone else!" I was not pouting. The Great Thief King Bakura does not pout.

"Ba-Ku-Raaaaaa…" Hikari-mine's voice sounded dangerously pleading. He really must want something. Like my body! I sighed. I guess no one can resist me. Even I can't resist me.

As I was contemplating the fact that I was cursed with such good looks that would make any fan girl swoon, Hikari-mine burst into my room. Apparently he thought my sigh was an OK to come in. I frown. That would not do. He was supposed to be better at reading my tantrums. Not that they happen frequently, of course. But I digress.

"I sent everyone home, Kura-kun," Hikari-mine looked sheepishly at the floor, "I didn't think they would upset you that much."

I snorted in contempt and turned my back on him, "Stupid Hikari-mine." Thankfully I was turned around so I missed the look of hurt that flashed across his face. But the damned mirror was right in front of me, so I really didn't miss it. I just chose to ignore it. And people say that I'm growing soft. Try to ignore the look of a hurt puppy and see just how soft you are!

I must have been muttering curses under my breath because Hikari-mine crept up on me ever so silently (I have taught him well) and proceeded whisper in my ear, "Kura-kuuuuuuun, watcha thinking about?" I just want it to be noted that I did not jump a foot in the air nor did I squeal. I will deny!

"I'm thinking about how I'm going to kill you if you keep doing that!" I screamed, and then added as an afterthought, "Damn it!"

Hikari-mine merely smiled at me, "Then what do you want to do to celebrate your birthday?"

"Go to a strip club," the words spilled out of my mouth faster than my brain could think of them. I blinked. Shit. Did I just request that? Hmm, I wonder what Hikari-mine's reaction will be…

"Okay! Let's go!" he squealed in his high-pitched voice (Y'know, the evil one he used to wake me up…) and then proceeded to drag me out of the house, half-dressed of course, towards the downtown district of Domino.


	4. No strippers for you!

_AN: I love all the people who reviewed! Lots of sugar and Ryou plushies for all! Sorry for the wait, I kinda got hit by writers block…eh heh heh heh…But here ya go! Next chapter's probably going to be the last one so enjoy_

_Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue._

In the Previous Chapter:

_"Okay! Let's go!" he squealed in his high-pitched voice (Y'know, the evil one he used to wake me up…) and then proceeded to drag me out of the house, half-dressed of course, towards the downtown district of Domino._

--

Whoda thunk Hikari-mine could run so fast? I mean, this kid was motoring! To a strip club, no less! Wait wait wait wait wait…how the hell does he know where a strip club is! I reach up and brush away an imaginary tear. I've taught him well.

"We're here!" Hikari-mine's voice shattered my thoughts for what seemed to be the hundredth time that day.

I looked up only to be blinded by the big blinking lights, flashing "Sugar and Spice." Hmm. Not too shabby, Hikari-mine. It was one of the tamer strip clubs, if there were such a thing, but still…Hikari-mine found this on his own. Perhaps he had been here before…I quickly shook the image of Ryou stuffing cash down some stripper's (lack of) clothes while giggling like a perverted old man from my head. Not something I really wanted to imagine. Besides, he can only stick cash in _my_…pockets…So I've had fantasies of being his (very dangerous) stripper. Bite me.

"Kura-kun, are you coming or not?" Hikari-mine whined from the entrance, earning a few odd looks from the bouncers. I sighed and walked forward to pay the bouncers to let both of us in.

"We don't let minors in," one of the bouncers growled while looking over his barrel chest and crossed arms at Hikari-mine.

I stared at the bouncer blankly before breaking out into gut-busting laughter. They thought that Hikari-mine was a minor. They probably also thought he was a girl. Not that I blame them for that. He does look rather young and extremely feminine. Not to mention he is a complete push-over. Then again, he DID know how to get here and he has had his moments of…roughness…that should count for something. But alas, these poor unsuspecting bouncers did not know these simple facts. So imagine their surprise when Hikari-mine (while doing a wonderful impersonation of the Great Tomb Robber Bakura, if I do say so myself) stormed up to them, thrust a finger onto one of their chests and glared.

"I am not a minor nor am I a pussy. Let me in. Damn it," Hikari-mine growled.

Mac (the biggest bouncer's new name, courtesy of me) looked a bit stunned but quickly recovered, "Fine, you can go in. But you," he turned to me, "no shirt, no service."

What! It's not my fault that Hikari-mine decided to drag my ass out here for my birthday without letting me get properly dressed! I was about to open my mouth and tell him so, but after some careful consideration, I figured it would be taken the wrong way and thus getting both of us kicked out. So I did the next best thing.

As I stepped over the prone bodies of the now-unconscious bouncers, Hikari-mine, being the nice boy that he is, looked down on them in pity.

"Ne, Kura-kun, do you really think you should have hit them that hard?" he questioned me meekly.

I laughed, "Of course! Those fools thought they could stop the Great Tomb Robber King! They were no better than those foolish guards in the tombs of the pharaohs!" I turned around and grabbed him by the arm, "Now come, Hikari-mine, for naked women await us!"

A few hours (and more than a few drinks) later, I was rather enjoying the company of a gifted young woman when a large beefy hand grabbed my shoulder. I turned around and stared drunkenly at the behemoth that was behind me. "Whadda ya want?" I slurred slightly.

"Sir, you must leave the club," the man glared down at me. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a large lurking figure. It was one of the security guards that I had knocked out. He didn't look too pleased.

"What if I don't wanna?" I challenged the guard.

I found myself outside the club where I got to meet the sidewalk rather personally in a matter of seconds. "Come back here and fight like a man, you fucking pussies!" I shook my fist at what seemed to be the door.

"Kura-kun, are you okay!" Ah, the wonderful timing of my lighter half.

"Do I look like I'm okay? By the way, the sidewalk would really like to meet you too, so if you don't mind coming over here so I can introduce you…" I glared at his blurry form.

Hikari-mine just sighed, "I told you that hitting those guards was not a good idea. But since when have you ever listened to me?"

"Shut up. I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now," I picked myself up and started stumbling down the sidewalk.

Hikari-mine's voice called out in surprise, "Where are you going!"

I turned around slightly and snarled, "Home. So far my day has been completely shitty and totally fucked up. Do you know why? Because _you_ decided it would be great if it was my birthday today. _You _invited those assholes over to our apartment. _You_ dragged my sorry ass down here. Are you getting the picture!" I stormed off without another word. I heard Hikari-mine let out a contained sob but I didn't let that stop me. I was pissed. And damn it, whoever looked at me funny next was going to get my wonderful knife in their goddamned stomach.

When I reached the apartment, I threw open the door (after furiously jamming the key in the hole) and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me. I collapsed in my bed, unable to hold my tears in. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Great King of Thieves was bawling his eyes out. Albeit a bit drunkenly, but I was so excited for this "birthday" that I was supposed to have. And look how it turned out. I sat up and screamed some of my frustration out, secretly hoping the neighbors would get so scared they'd move far away.

I was so bent on screaming and crying while throwing a hissy fit, I almost missed the soft "Bakura?" that issued from my doorway.

I whipped around and saw Hikari-mine standing in the doorway, hanging his head in shame. I bit my lip, waiting for something to happen.


	5. Ze End!

_AN: Sorry about not updating as quickly as I should have. I've just gotten used to college and had some free time, so here's the last chapter of this wonderful (or not) story. Yes, it's short, but hey, it's full of yummy Bakura goodness. Hopefully it's been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. Enjoy!_

_Oh yeah, beware the mentioned smut. Tis hinted at, but I suck at writing really good sex scenes so yeah…_

_Disclaimer: Am I really THAT creative?_

Previously:

I whipped around and saw Hikari-mine standing in the doorway, hanging his head in shame. I bit my lip, waiting for something to happen.

--

At that particular moment, a (completely foreign) voice decided to pop into my head and give me its opinion.

_What the hell are you doing! Since _when _does the great King of Thieves cry! _

I sniffled mentally. Shut up. 

It snorted derisively. Get your act together. Act like the terrifying mass of machismo that you are. 

I thought about whimpering something pathetic, but the more I thought about what that voice had said, the more it made sense.

Speaking of which, what the hell was that voice? I would almost wager that it was my conscience, but since when did _I_ have one of those!

I shook my head to clear it of my thoughts, most likely scaring Hikari-mine past what he was already at.

"Kura-kun," a very timid voice called out again from the door frame.

I grinned at him, watching with glee as he recoiled from the expression on my face. Oh yeah. Haven't lost the touch. It's good to be me. "Yes, Hikari-mine?" I purred.

Ryou started stammering, a light blush covering his cheeks, "I-I just wanted to apologize for making your day horrible."

Oh yeah. That. My grin got even wider as a rather evil thought crossed my mind. "I think I deserve retribution for the shit you put me through," I was trying my hardest to look innocent, I swear. Judging from Ryou's expression of complete horror, I think I failed.

"Retribution?" Ryou squeaked, turning an even brighter red than before.

I leaned forward on the bed, crawling forward slowly, "Yes, Hikari-mine. Retribution." I motioned him toward me with my finger, "Join me."

Ryou let out a strangled squeak but moved forward nonetheless. He sat on my bed slowly, seemingly afraid that I was going to pounce on him and rip out his throat.

I smirked, _Very good, Hikari-mine, but don't worry. I'm not going to _rip _out your throat. _A slightly evil chuckle escaped my lips, causing Ryou to flinch. I licked my lips in anticipation. His fear tasted so good. "Come closer, Hikari-mine. I won't bite, I promise."

His blush persisted, but he scooted next to me. "I hope you're not angry at me," he whispered.

I threw an arm around his shoulders, drawing him closer to me and earning a startled squeak from him, "How could I possibly be mad at you?" In a flash, I grabbed him, pulled him down and back, and straddled his hips. "Not when I have something this good within my reach."

He squirmed a bit, causing some delightful friction. I pinned him arms to the bed, hands by his head. He looked up into my eyes frightfully, but there was a hint of lust swimming in those luscious brown orbs. I gave myself a mental pat on the back. Yay for corrupting Ryou.

I leaned down and positioned my mouth next to his ear. "Seems like you want to play, Hikari-mine," I breathed, my voice coming out huskier than I had intended.

The heat that was radiating off of his body was too delicious to resist. Without waiting for an answer, I turned my head and started kissing his neck, moving down slowly. He answered my ministrations with a soft gasp as he threw back his head, giving me greater access. I grinned wickedly against his skin as I nipped and sucked my way down to his shirt.

Once I reached the offending fabric, I sat up, taking in the delicious sight of Hikari-mine disheveled and flushed. Oh yes. I was going to ravish him. I yanked his shirt off with a particular viciousness that would have made any lesser soul scared. Hikari-mine instead parted his mouth and stared at me lustfully. I leaned back in and claimed what was rightfully mine.

--

As I lay on the bed, drifting off between sleep and consciousness, I could feel Hikari-mine's breath against my neck and his arms around my waist. I smiled to myself. That is what a birthday is about. Forget about the presents and the strange friends and the mishaps at the strip club. The only real thing that counts is ravishing your Hikari. Or finding happiness. Either one. Both preferably.

---Fin---


End file.
